Therapy is often seen as a last resort for struggling couples. Whether newly dating or decades into marriage, counseling offers an opportunity to rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen emotional connection.
Yet, many couples unknowingly sabotage their progress—expecting quick fixes, avoiding deep conversations, or treating therapy as a battleground rather than a partnership. These five common mistakes can derail the therapeutic process, but recognizing them early can lead to lasting change.
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1. Expecting the Therapist to "Fix" Everything
Therapy is about listening, not proving who's right
Tom and Lisa had been together for fifteen years, and lately, they felt more like roommates than partners. Every conversation was about logistics—who was picking up the groceries, who was paying the bills—but nothing about their emotions. Desperate to reconnect, they turned to therapy, assuming their counselor would have all the answers.
At the first few sessions, they nodded along to the therapist’s suggestions but never actually did the homework—they expected insights alone to heal their marriage. Weeks passed, and nothing changed. Frustrated, Lisa asked, “Why isn’t therapy working?” Their therapist gently reminded them: growth happens outside the session, not just inside it.
How to Fix It:
- Therapy is not passive—you must actively engage with what you learn.
- Make time between sessions to practice techniques, like conflict resolution.
- Small, consistent efforts lead to lasting changes in relationships.
A therapist can guide, but it’s the couple’s COMMITMENT that makes therapy successful.
2. Treating Therapy as a Courtroom Battle
Therapy is about listening, not proving who's right
Jake and Vanessa had the same fight, over and over: money. Vanessa wanted to save, Jake wanted to spend. They took their frustration straight into therapy, but instead of working toward solutions, each session became a competition.
Vanessa kept repeating the past, listing every reckless expense Jake had made. Jake countered with receipts of their savings to prove he wasn’t irresponsible.
Their therapist watched in silence until finally asking, “How is this helping your future?” That stopped them in their tracks—they realized therapy wasn’t about winning, but about growing together.
How to Fix It:
- Therapy isn’t a courtroom—it’s a space to listen and learn.
- Instead of assigning blame, focus on shared solutions for moving forward.
- Conflict resolution starts with understanding your partner's perspective.
A couple’s goal in therapy should be LISTENING for teamwork, not proving a point.
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3. Avoiding Vulnerability
Progress happens when couples are honest about their fears and emotions.
Karen and Mike had been married for thirty years. Their life had fallen into an easy routine—wake up, work, dinner, TV, bed—but something was missing. The spark was gone. When their therapist asked why they were struggling, neither could answer.
It wasn’t that they didn’t feel things, but rather, they had trained themselves not to talk about them. Karen was afraid of aging and the distance it created between them. Mike feared his wife no longer saw him as attractive. Instead of saying any of this, they deflected, choosing safe topics like who should do the dishes. Their therapist finally asked: “What do you both fear the most?” It cracked open the first real conversation they’d had in years.
How to Fix It:
- Therapy is a safe space for honest conversation—lean into discomfort.
- Understand that avoiding tough discussions only prolongs relationship struggles.
- Embrace vulnerability—real connection begins with openness.
Progress in therapy depends on ALLOWING vulnerable discussions to happen.
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4. Expecting Immediate Results
Therapy is a process—it takes time to create lasting change.
Maria and Greg had hit a rough patch—constant fighting, passive-aggressive texts, feeling disconnected. They tried therapy, hoping it would fix everything in a few weeks.
After three sessions, nothing had radically changed, and frustration set in. “This isn’t working,” Greg muttered, ready to quit. Their therapist reminded them: therapy is about slow, steady shifts, not instant transformation. He pointed out small signs of progress—Maria had begun speaking more openly, Greg had started listening instead of interrupting. It wasn’t perfect, but it was movement in the right direction.
How to Fix It:
- Therapy is a long-term investment—real progress takes time.
- Set realistic goals—small changes build toward lasting breakthroughs.
- Patience is key—rushing the process leads to incomplete healing.
- connection begins with openness.
Therapy is not a one-time solution, but an ongoing process of growth. STAY patient.
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5. Not Practicing What’s Learned in Therapy
Couples must apply therapy techniques outside of sessions.
Lauren and Chris loved their therapy sessions. They felt energized, hopeful, ready to tackle their communication problems. But as soon as they left the office, nothing changed.
Instead of implementing what they learned, they slipped back into old habits. Chris nodded along in therapy when their counselor advised daily check-ins, yet at home, he avoided emotional conversations. Lauren agreed to slow down her criticisms, yet the moment they argued, she snapped. Their therapist finally asked: “How much of what we discuss here is actually happening at home?” That question made them realize they had to do more than just listen—they had to act.
How to Fix It:
- Therapy doesn’t stop at the session—it must be integrated into daily life.
- Schedule relationship check-ins to reinforce new habits.
- Actively practice communication skills, emotional exercises, and problem-solving techniques
Therapy is not a one-time solution, but an ongoing process of growth. STAY patient.
Therapy Works When You Work for It
Couples therapy is an opportunity, not a guarantee—success depends on the couple’s willingness to engage, reflect, and change. Avoiding these mistakes ensures a more productive, meaningful experience that can genuinely strengthen relationships.
How you approach couples therapy determines its success. To stay on track, use the
C.L.A.S.P. method:
C – Commit to change
L – Listen, don’t litigate
A – Allow vulnerability
S – Stay patient
P – Practice outside therapy
When couples focus on consistent effort, open communication, and real engagement, therapy can lead to deeper emotional connection and lasting relationship improvements.
If your relationship is struggling, seeking professional support can make a difference. Arkham Rise Counseling offers licensed therapists specializing in couples therapy, providing real solutions tailored to your needs.
Book a couples counseling session today and start building a healthier relationship!